A Life Reflection: Depression

Sometimes, I curl up in my bed. I close my eyes and let my mind wander down the rabbit hole. In those times, there is no time. I just kind of exist in a neutral plain of numbness. When my mind nears the empty space I can only name loneliness, I pick up a book. Interacting with my family a few rooms away is too daunting a task. A book will guide me through a false and more livable life. 

This is depression seen through the eyes of a 23 year old, caught in life transition. 

My sister says that she doesn't believe in depression. That happiness is a choice, you've just got to make the decision. Alter your mindset.

Said like someone who's never gone through depression.

My mom doesn't see it either. She always tells me to live better. She gets frustrated with me because she doesn't know how to help me or live with me. It doesn't help.

I don't always feel depressed, but when I do, it's this. It's an inconstant companion that shows up when it likes.

It's only thanks to God that I'm not suicidal. When I'm in that place of numb existence, if my mind even looks in that direction, God always pulls me back to him. Our relationship isn't always the best. But He is always there to reign me back in. A thing for which I can't even begin to explain how grateful I am for.

Thank you for bearing with me though this post.

-C

An Aspergers Reflection

For the longest time, I've had such a difficulty explaining what Aspergers actually means. It's hard to explain something you hardly understand yourself.

The biggest question I've been trying to figure out is why can I relate so much to fictional characters when I find it so hard to relate to real people. I've compiled a list of probable cause:

• I can observe as analytically as I wish without the character popping through the screen and telling me off for being a stalker.
• Fictional characters are more perfect than real people would ever hope to be.
• ...okay, so those are the only two things I could figure.

While I was crying over the death of a fictional character (and while my brother-in-law was judging me the whole time), I realized that I wasn't so much sad that the character died. I was torn apart at the grief that I saw on the main character's face when she realized she just lost someone she loves in the most permanent way.

That, I think, is the purest representation of Aspergers that I've found so far. I recognize emotions on other people and absorb the emotion into myself. 

Whether or not that makes any sense, it's a thing that I needed to share.

Until next time.