A Life Reflection: Depression

Sometimes, I curl up in my bed. I close my eyes and let my mind wander down the rabbit hole. In those times, there is no time. I just kind of exist in a neutral plain of numbness. When my mind nears the empty space I can only name loneliness, I pick up a book. Interacting with my family a few rooms away is too daunting a task. A book will guide me through a false and more livable life. 

This is depression seen through the eyes of a 23 year old, caught in life transition. 

My sister says that she doesn't believe in depression. That happiness is a choice, you've just got to make the decision. Alter your mindset.

Said like someone who's never gone through depression.

My mom doesn't see it either. She always tells me to live better. She gets frustrated with me because she doesn't know how to help me or live with me. It doesn't help.

I don't always feel depressed, but when I do, it's this. It's an inconstant companion that shows up when it likes.

It's only thanks to God that I'm not suicidal. When I'm in that place of numb existence, if my mind even looks in that direction, God always pulls me back to him. Our relationship isn't always the best. But He is always there to reign me back in. A thing for which I can't even begin to explain how grateful I am for.

Thank you for bearing with me though this post.

-C

An Aspergers Reflection

For the longest time, I've had such a difficulty explaining what Aspergers actually means. It's hard to explain something you hardly understand yourself.

The biggest question I've been trying to figure out is why can I relate so much to fictional characters when I find it so hard to relate to real people. I've compiled a list of probable cause:

• I can observe as analytically as I wish without the character popping through the screen and telling me off for being a stalker.
• Fictional characters are more perfect than real people would ever hope to be.
• ...okay, so those are the only two things I could figure.

While I was crying over the death of a fictional character (and while my brother-in-law was judging me the whole time), I realized that I wasn't so much sad that the character died. I was torn apart at the grief that I saw on the main character's face when she realized she just lost someone she loves in the most permanent way.

That, I think, is the purest representation of Aspergers that I've found so far. I recognize emotions on other people and absorb the emotion into myself. 

Whether or not that makes any sense, it's a thing that I needed to share.

Until next time.

A Summer 2016 Reflection: Camp and Pokemon Go

This summer has been the best summer! It's the first summer that I've actually worked a summer job! I was a camp counselor at my local city camp youth program.

It has been so fulfilling to work with kids.

I've also wanted to strangle most of them. Seeing them every single day trying to convince them to play nice with other kids and just behave has been nerve wracking.

It might have been that at the beginning of summer, only myself and another counselor were actually interacting with the kids in a way that they could trust us with their problems. The issue with this is that they only ever came to us with their problems. It can get pretty overwhelming when 5 kids at once want all of your attention due to an injustice and there are 4 other counselors who could be helping out. A good team really makes the difference.

This being the first summer that I've something to do with my hands, it's also helping my social life. I've been able to build and nurture my friendships.

Pokemon Go has something to do with that as well.

A lot of people have many negative things to say about Pokemon Go. They call it dangerous and make fun of it. It's really not a bad thing though.

Let me tell you about Pokemon Go. Its and app that uses your phone's geolocation technology to track you as you visit Pokestop and Pokemon gym locations. It also allows to to go to different areas of your neighborhood to gather different Pokemon.

Pokemon Go encourages getting out of the house for those who would otherwise stay in. It promotes exercise as you have to walk certain distances for Pokemon eggs to be hatched. The app keeps track of your speed so that you have to be walking for it to work. Pokemon go also encourages more social interaction with people they wouldn't otherwise interact with. It's breaking down social divides and is encouraging people to work together as a team.

The app can be dangerous if it's used irresponsibly though. Some people don't pay enough attention to their surroundings and they wander into places they shouldn't.

That said, Pokemon Go is a great app when used responsibly. I believe it can cause more good than harm based on my personal experience. It's brought me closer to my friends and it has allowed me to make new friends.

I stand behind Pokemon Go and one day, I will catch them all!

God bless and have a safe day!

A Interweb Buddy Reflection: Pirates

I have made so many friends on the internet. None of us really talk anymore, but every now and then I think of them and all of the wonderful times we had loving the same things and fighting over ships. We were the greatest pirates to have ever lived. We collected treasures like fan art and fan fiction. We Sailed all over the internet discovering new fandoms to join and crossed many ships that we couldn't resist blowing canons through. And when we didn't have canon, we'd go back to our treasures to admire them and assure ourselves that no one could take this from us.

I do still wish that I could meet some of those friends in real life. One I've friended on Facebook and I stalk her every now and then. (Not in the creepy way, I swear.) It would be cool to hang out at a convention or something.

I miss having friends that I have stuff in common with. You can't find people like that anymore. Reflecting on it, it's probably because we're all on the internet. We only emerge from our laptops when nerd cons come to town or a particularly pushy friend pulls us out of the depths of the fandoms.

Thank you interweb friends for being there always.

A Family Reflection: Sisters, Support, and Secrets

Seeing a counselor has been such a refreshing thing. I've officially been self-diagnosed with Aspergers and I'm beginning to accept it. I'm finding that the hardest part is convincing the people that I love that I'm not just making excuses.

I told Sister #1 today. She was trying to convince me that I don't have it. "You're too normal to have Aspergers," she says. Really she just doesn't understand it.

I tried to tell Sister #3 as well. She seemed more supportive, but I can never really tell with her. Here's the thing with Sister #3 though. She recently found out that her boyfriend has Aspergers. But he's not the one who told her about it and he's really sensitive about it. She's been trying to figure out a way to get him to tell her, but results are a thing yet to be seen. 

Sister #3 is kind of the reason I found out I had Asperger's though because after she found out about her boyfriend, she handed me a list to read off to her (while she was driving) so that she could compare and contrast characteristics to confirm him as an Aspie. The list prompted me to do a little more digging and I thought, hmmm, this sounds a bit like me. But it's not a thing I was ready to admit, so I asked for a second opinion from my mom. Mom told me that she'd suspected it for a while. I was pretty upset that Mom had never told me about this before.

Anyway, back to Sister #3. Since I had just found out, I figured, Hey, what if she used learning about my Aspergers to prompt her boyfriend to tell her about his Aspergers? I was trying to be helpful, but I still don't think she believed me. I haven't really talked to her since.

Maybe I should get a diagnosis. After all, how is anyone going to believe I have Aspergers if my own sisters don't believe me?

A Life Reflection: Aspergers

Okay, so I just found out this morning that I have Aspergers Syndrome. Not only do I have it, but I've had it my entire life and it's the reason I have zero social skills and have issues making friends. And come to find out, my mom knew about it the entire time.

I don't even know what to do from here. It's one thing to have ADD because its just something that has to do with attention and focusing. But having AS is like telling me my entire personality that I thought was mine isn't actually. Now this thing is hanging over my head and I don't even know if it's me or the Aspergers. I'm not even diagnosed. If I get diagnosed, I don't think I'd want to tell anyone. It's so embarrassing.

The thing is, I never thought anything was wrong with me. I just thought the world is the worst place in the universe and I'm probably better off in outer space. Except everyone else needs to go to outer space because I love Earth.

Now I'm a defective human and I can't even tell people about it because they'll start labeling and pitying me and I couldn't handle it if that happened.

I think the thing I'm most upset about is that my mom knew and she just let me think that I'm crazy because I can't figure out how to function in society when it's the easiest thing for everyone else. This new thing I learned about myself is of the life-altering magnitude. The only good thing about this is now that I know what it is, I can research and figure out how others are coping so I can troubleshoot my own life.

I just wish I could tell my friends and family about it without sounding like I'm making excuses for all of my bad manners for the entirety of my life.

And I was worried about an existential crisis in my last post.

An Introspective Reflection

I've been going through an existential crisis as of late. I'm not in school, I don't have a job, and I still live with my parents. It's not a bad place to be in at 23, but I need to move forward with my life. I need to be able to support myself without having to rely on my parents. Life, as it turns out, is more than just reading books and watching Netflix. And surely I can't get by from my meager wages as a babysitter.

I feel I've reached a stalemate in my life. I've tried working in an office setting, but I'm much too hot-tempered for that. I've tried working in fast food, but, well we just won't talk about that. *shudders*

It seems like I've reached a place in my life where I need to make money but don't have the talent or skills to do it.

While browsing articles about unconventional jobs, I stumbled across a particular article about being good at stuff. The jist of it was that I need to be brutally honest with myself about what I am and what I am not good at.

So, there's this: I am good at reading fictional books. I am good at writing (sometimes). I am good at drawing (also sometimes). I am good at loving my dog (all the time). I seem to do well with introspection and with philosophical thought as well.

That is how I've ended up here. Among all of the things I am good at, maybe blogging is the happy medium. I want to spend some time being honest with myself and a blog seems a great place to do that. Chances are, I'm just talking to myself anyway. If you stumble across my blog and decide it's worth your attention, feel free to leave a comment It'd be cool to know how other's might be coping with similar situations in their lives.

God bless! I hope you have an enlightening day!